Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
