Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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