HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
