why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
