I cockslap morals
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize