remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
