I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
