Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
