If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Houston, we have a squirter
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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