Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
