I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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