I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
