i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
