dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
