Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
