Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
