I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
