Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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