you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
