New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
