i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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