Your dad touched me again.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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