I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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