My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
