this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
