They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
