i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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