dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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