someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
