I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
