Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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