Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
