I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
