I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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