Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
