'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize