new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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