I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
