He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
