I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's blow job season.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
