I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
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