Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
