Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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