hell yes lets make some ravioli
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
