Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
