you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize