just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
