you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
