I am spending my child support on dildos
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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