This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
