I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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