I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
