did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
