I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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