He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize