I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
