If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
