Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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