We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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