CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
