did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
