The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
