I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
